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When the Music’s Over…

We all know how exilerating it is when we…..Fall in Love, don’t we?

We miraculously become the person we believe we were “meant to be!”  We don’t over eat, we aren’t bothered by people that normally bother us, we bounce in our steps… traffic? “NO PROBLEM!” Work is great, life is great and generally speaking…all of those nasty problems we have spent hours upon hours on ruminating with, and venting about with our therapists about have magically VANISHED! Really.

Oh yes!  “Really!”  For the moment at least.  “We talk for hours every night!”  You feel so alive inside for the “first time!”  And…..”the sex?  Well….the sex is amazing!”    That’s how it starts and that’s what some people squeeze on to!  Why not?  While the band is playing, you’re  “enjoying the music!”   (Who wouldn’t?).   You have arrived!  This is the “guy” or “girl” you’ve been “waiting and looking for forever!”  Alas….every song ever written must end.  Every band has to leave at some point….”The day, the music, died.”

Fast forward to 1, 2, 10 years or more later…. couples stagger, question and love  but “aren’t in love” anymore.  What the hell does that exactly mean?!  Well, first, let me clarify that as a Couples/Marriage Therapist, it means that one of the couple is BORED.  The “It’s not you, it’s me,” reasoning is a very tired and lame excuse for someone who is either cheating already, or thinking about it.  Don’t “buy” it!  Something is amiss.  The “Music’s Over,” and someone needs a ticket to dance to that old band again.

The normal progression of “love” will always include the time when the “Music dies,” or at the very least, quiets down.

The intensity of “new love and excitement” never lasts forever!  To believe so is either childish or indicative of some form of mental illness!  Be realistic!  Like “having a baby,” the beginning and birth are the most exciting times!  But…then the newborn becomes a “not so new” born…life goes on and you raise your child.  So it is with relationships!  You love and adore it with great excitement and newness in the beginning, but eventually settle in to a very different kind of love and appreciation as it matures.

However, there are some…or MANY people who become “addicted” to that excitement, newness, sexuality and “good feeling” that only a new love  can bring!  These people are NOT ready for True Love and need, (in their minds), to “Hear that band again and again and again….”  Remember!   “It’s not you, it’s them!”  And it is them!

You can try to lose the weight of the world, “experiment” in new, uhm…”activities,” dress differently, cook differently, talk differently, but you will always wonder….”What happened to that person who promised to LOVE ME FOREVER?” and try to “get back to that beginning time” when we were magic together!”  It’s not about hairstyle or wardrobe at this point.  It’s about your partner’s Addiction to Falling in Love and all that comes (temporarily) with that time.

“What should I do?”

The short answer is NOTHING with your partner.  Grieve it, be angry about it, learn from it, but realize that you can’t change it!  You can do something about your next step though!  Think!  Do you really want to be with someone who has rejected you?  I hope not!  Remember…there are “other fish in the sea” if you choose to go fishing!  Before “casting your rod,” try to be comfortable with yourself!  So many people are terrified of this prospect, but it is essential to know you can do this!  (This may be the reason, psychologically speaking, that you fell in love with this type of person in the first place!).

You see, when you are completely content with your own self and life, a relationship is merely an added bonus!

In other words, you can take or leave one, unless it brings more to your situation!  Additionally, if it doesn’t “work out,” you still have a bunch of “eggs” in other baskets!  This, of course, is the healthiest way to live your life!

When one puts “all they got” in one single basket, that basket can easily be “dropped” and all eggs destroyed!  Then what?  Nothing?  Spread yourself out!  Relationships, even marriages should be a part of your life, not all! That does not mean you don’t depend or value your marriage, but, “anything is possible!”  and no one should ever feel immobilized if any relationship must end, for any reason!

The relationships that LAST consist of two strong-willed, seperately independent, emotionally and socially mature individuals that love, appreciate, honor and watch eachothers’ “backs” for any wrong-doers!  These are the folks who appreciated the “honeymoon period,” and understand that salicious sex, emotional and intellectual stimulation and feeling alive again are building blocks of a commitment, not merely a need to be fulfilled.  “When the Music’s Over,” simply replay your FAVORITE SONG!  Don’t look for another one!

Leo Battenhausen, MSW, LCADC, is a contributing blogger for JenningsWire.